Monday, September 12, 2016

Waiting for baby.// A day at the park.

I am in an in between place in life, a place of simultaneously wanting time to stand still and yet anxiously awaiting the arrival of something beautiful. Soaking up moments when it's just our little family of three having an adventure, knowing soon we will be adding another person to the mix that will change the dynamic. Pausing to appreciate moments alone with my son, observing him play, imagine, explore, knowing that the times when it's just the two of us will be more rare. Feeling inspired by the work community I have as I prepare to take ten months off, and appreciating how the school I work at has shaped me. Trying to savor every little belly kick and movement, as I become more and more uncomfortable each day. 

A part of me wants the baby to be here already so we can jump into this next chapter of newborn bliss, extreme joy, incomparable love, tears, sleep deprivation, and all of the highs and lows that come with caring for a new little human. I want to meet our new family member and know if it is a boy or a girl. And yet I want to relish these last weeks with the baby still inside, because I know that so much change will be happening with the arrival of our new little one. 

The good thing is that I have a lot of peace about what is to come, even though there are a lot of unknowns. How will our baby be born? Will it turn or still be breech? When will it be born? How will Everett respond? Will breastfeeding be any easier this time? I am nervous, but mostly just really excited to get to be a mother of two.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Acceptance and gratitude.

Last week, at our 33 week doctor's appointment, we found out that we have a breech baby. That would be breech baby number two for us. I was hoping for a VBAC for a number of reasons, but it looks like that may not be in the plan for us this time around. 

Going into this pregnancy, I let go of all of my expectations for what I hoped for for this birth. I learned so much from the struggles of my last pregnancy, birth experience, and postpartum time. Perhaps these lessons would not have been made so clear to me if everything had gone the way I would have hoped for. 
  • During my last pregnancy, I ended up having six ultrasounds throughout for different little bumps in the road, which further helped me to realize that the most important thing is to have a healthy baby, regardless of how they enter the world. The word that I kept coming back to throughout my pregnancy with Everett was gratitude. Things didn't always go according to plan, but I was determined to be grateful, and focusing on gratitude instead of the challenges changed my perspective. 
  • At 41 weeks, we found out we had a breech baby (what a surprise that was to us). After that appointment, I was devastated, and cried a lot trying to process this new information. We ended up having a beautiful birth, despite it being not what we had hoped or planned for. I am a planner, and we had taken a birth class, hired a doula, and we had a birth plan all typed out. None of those things came into play for our birth, but it was a beautiful, life changing experience that was the best day of my life. 
  • After we welcomed our baby into the world, we struggled so much with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and yet, I did it, through many tears in the beginning, but it grew into one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life.
The hard parts of the journey helped me to focus on and appreciate the beauty even more. 

This time, as I go into the end stretch of carrying this baby, I just want to be at peace. I want to spend this time leading up to having the baby focusing on Everett and being grateful for the opportunity to do this all again, and I don't want to worry if the baby will turn or not. I will not be stressed or disappointed if I have another cesarean birth. Whatever happens will happen, and I will be present and grateful. This baby will make its way into the world how it is supposed to, and I will enjoy the magic that is carrying a baby for over nine months and then witnessing it be born. 

Monday, August 15, 2016

Everett's first day of preschool.

Being a mom is a funny thing. Of course, I wanted to get a cute photo of this little guy on his first day of preschool. He is becoming more vocal about not wanting to take pictures these days, and as I was taking these, I was sure that I didn't get any decent photos. Everett wouldn't sit still for a second and he was being so silly, but as I looked through the photos I managed to get, I realized that these are perfect, because they are exactly who Everett is at 2 years and 2 months old. He is always on the move, silly, adventurous, and independent.

Everett has been my little buddy all summer long. Except for when Matt and I went away on a little babymoon, I have been with Everett every day, which is a different pace of life from my work schedule last year. Matt has been back at work for two weeks already, so Everett and I have had a lot of special time going to museums, the zoo, parks, and playing in the backyard, and I am so grateful for all of the time we have had together, especially thinking about the new baby that will be joining us shortly.

Here is Everett's first day of preschool photo shoot before we headed out the door this morning.  


Me: "Everett, let's take a picture for daddy on your first day of preschool."
Everett: "With dinosaur lunch box."
 Everett: "Mama, watch."
 Everett: "Everett eat dinosaur. Everett silly."
Everett: "Mama, ride bike?"
Me: "Sure buddy."
Everett: "Mama, Everett take bike in car?"
Me: "No buddy."
Everett: sad face
Today is my first day back at work after two months off, and I am only going back for a short time before my maternity leave. I love my job and I love being a mother, and often those two passions seem like they don't fit well into the same life. While it felt good to get back to school today and connect to a different part of myself than being a mother allows me to, I sure did miss this kid and his cheesy smile.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Los Angeles babymoon.

We wanted to have a little getaway with just the two of us before the baby comes, so we stayed in a part of Los Angeles that neither of us have ever explored for a few days. During the day, we swam in the pool and read, and in the morning and night, we explored the surrounding food scene to try new and delicious restaurants. It was an amazing and relaxing time. It is always so hard for me to leave Everett. I get sad and second guess myself, thinking that I should probably never be away from him, but the couple of times that Matt and I have gotten away without him have been so refreshing for us as a couple. I really do think that one of the best things we can do for our son and our family is have a strong marriage, and so when I realize that, it makes me feel a little less guilty and selfish for leaving Everett. Plus, he gets to stay with his grandparents, which he always loves, and he talks all the time about how Mama and Dada went on a date!


Since it was our "babymoon" and this time around has been documented much less thoroughly than last time, we decided to take some bump photos, so there is pregnancy photo overload below at 29 weeks. 

Monday, July 25, 2016

San Diego staycation.

We stayed in a local hotel for two nights as part of our summer travels to fill in a gap between trips since we had rented our house out on AirBnB. It was actually really fun and something I definitely want to do again. There was no real agenda except for lots of swimming in the pool, walks along the water, and eating at places nearby. It was kind of the perfect trip for a toddler, because often for them, less is more.